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Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A: Depreciation.

Q: What is the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.


Q: Why did the auditor cross the road?
A: Because he looked in the file and that is what was done last year.


Q: What is the definition of a financial adviser?
A: Someone who keeps investing your money until it has all gone.


Q: Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
A: He worked it out with a pencil.


Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A: The accountant knows he is boring.


Q: How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two – one to change the bulb and one to check it was done within budget.


An accountant visited the Natural History Museum. While standing looking at a dinosaur he said to his friend "This dinosaur is three billion years and nine months old".

"How can you be so precise?" said his friend.

"I was here nine months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur was three billion years old."



An accountant was having difficulty sleeping and went to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just cannot get to sleep at night".

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then I spend three hours trying to find it."

An accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as a capital gain?"


The accountant's prayer: Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10:53:16 am, British Summer Time.


Did you know that 85.71% of dwarves aren't Happy?



There are three types of accountant in the world, those who can count and those who can't.

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